Our lives are not determined by what happens to us but how we react to what happens, not by what life brings us but the attitude we bring to life.
~Wade Boggs
Have you ever had a perfect relationship with another human being? If you have, consider yourself quite lucky. On the other hand, seeing that there are no perfect people, how can any relationship possibly ever be perfect? Most relationships will go through their ups and their downs. Additionally, I’ve often heard plenty of people say that family and friends are the ones who hurt you the most. And, I would agree. Not because there is something inherently wrong with these relationships, but because these are the people who have the closest access to you, and to whom, you have the closest access. The more access that a person has to you, and you to them, the more intimate the relationship will likely become. As this intimacy is established, the probability that you will be offended by them inevitably increases. In other words, greater familiarity can breed contempt. For example, the more time that you spend with a person, the more that you will learn about them. On the positive side, you get to know their skills, their talents, and many of the things that make them special. However, you will also see their flaws, bad habits, and discover behaviors that you find annoying.
When confronted with the imperfections of a person, the question is: How do you respond? Intuitively, I could say: You should expect that, in relationships, people will hurt and disappoint you. However, would this be a true statement? Does a person have the power to hurt and disappoint you, when it is you that actually has control over your response?
You must unlearn what you have learned. ~Yoda, the Jedi Master
Anyone that knows me well, knows that I am a Star Wars fan. And, I happen to absolutely love Yoda, and many of his quotes. One of his quotes that is pertinent to this topic is: You must unlearn what you have learned. We are so socially trained to think, perceive and to respond to situations in a particular way. If we’re not careful, by the time that we get to be a certain age, we could possibly almost live our lives on autopilot. Just because an action is hurtful, or disappointing, does not mean that you have to be hurt or disappointed. Likewise, just because a socially offensive behavior is present, does not mean that you have to be offended. I truly hope that what I am attempting to communicate to you makes sense. Do you want to be offended? Understand that offense is a choice. You can expect that people will not always treat you well, but you absolutely do not have to bond yourself to their bad behavior. The better you are able to manage your expectations, the healthier your response will be when you are confronted with the bad behavior of others. A high level of maturity, within ourselves, is essential to effectively navigate our relationships.
A large, contributing factor in how we respond begins with our expectations. In life, and in our relationships, we have to be realistic, and not idealistic, in our expectations. For example, in idealistic expectations, we expect that the people that we are in relationships with, will love us, support us, and care about the things that take place in our lives. There are even times that we may expect, that we should be, the center of their world. If you are fortunate to have a person or people in your life, that genuinely love and support you on a regular basis, then you should praise God for them every single day. But unfortunately, this is simply not the reality for a lot of people, possibly not even for the majority of people. The truth is that the person/people that we are in relationships with, will not love us perfectly. They have their own lives, and their own struggles. They are most likely trying to effectively navigate their own challenges and manage their own well-being, to the best of their abilities, as they should. A lot of times, the reality is that people are simply not thinking about you. They are thinking about themselves. And if you have the expectation that you should be the center of their world, the problem lies more within you, than it does within them. This is why, as adults, I continually advocate that it is our responsibility to take care of ourselves. Because if we do not take care of, and take responsibility for ourselves, the reality is that perhaps, there is no one else who will.
Now, please do not misconstrue the point that I’m trying to make. I do not support selfishness, and believe that we should love, help, and support one another. However, what I believe and what I feel, are not necessarily the realities of the world that we live in today. Unfortunately, in relationships, many people are immature, selfish, inconsiderate, and do not necessarily consider the well-being of others. And even if this were not the case, it would still not negate the fact that, as adults, we are to assume responsibility for ourselves.
Unrealistic expectations will inevitably lead to pain and disappointment. The reality is that we all, sometimes have to deal with challenging situations, as we try to navigate our way in this life. Even people who seemingly have everything together, likely have some things that they are going through or are dealing with. To be mature demands that we take responsibility for our own peace, happiness, contentment, and well-being.
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