By nature, we are social creatures. We were created to interact with one another, to form relationships, and to build families and communities. And in this, most people desire to be perceived well by others; to be liked and accepted by those around them; and simply to be loved. After all, I believe that we were created to love, and to be loved.
However, what is ideal, and what is reality don’t always line up. The dark, unfortunate truth is that:
- There are people who will never like you.
- There are people who will never embrace you.
- There are people who will never acknowledge your value.
- There are people who will never truly welcome you.
And guess what? You will be okay. And not only will you be okay, you can allow yourself to thrive in spite of their disapproval. The earth will keep spinning. You will keep breathing. And life will go on. One person’s disapproval, or even their approval for that matter, of you stops nothing; unless you surrender your well-being to another human being, allowing yourself to be controlled by them. Meaning that you ingest their negativity towards you and make it a part of how you perceive and feel about yourself, resulting in a change in your thoughts and behavior.
Recently, I had an interesting conversation with a woman whom I very much admire. It’s always a pleasure to conversate with her, and we literally never run out of things to discuss. One topic of conversation, that comes up quite often, is the subject of relationships, and particularly difficult family relationships.
When I was younger, I took for granted, or rather assumed, that the word family was synonymous with love. But as I’ve grown older, I’ve come to understand that this is not always the case; sometimes it is synonymous with love, and sometimes it is not. And when it’s not, some of the deepest wounds can develop from family, the very ones that are supposed to naturally love us. However, this note not only applies to family relationships, but to relationships in general.
For the scope of this note, we will focus on people’s negativity towards us, and our response to it. This negativity can be exhibited in many ways, including but not limited to- someone not liking us, the open display of bad behavior, harboring negative thoughts and opinions of us, etc. Unfortunately, we can form a bond to this negativity, allowing it to have negative impacts on our lives and well-being, and to become a source of dysfunction. In this context, it is interesting to note that, one of the definitions of the word bond is one that is a serf or slave. And one of the meanings of the word slave is: a person entirely under the domination of some influence or person. The unfortunate truth is that this voluntary servitude, is an unhealthy response, that we place upon ourselves. In this article, we will address unhealthy responses to people’s negativity towards us. In a future article, I will address healthy techniques to use when confronted with negativity.
I love reading definitions of words, because they paint a crystal clear picture, and are essential to gaining understanding. So, let’s begin by first defining the words external + control.
External – adjective; situated or being outside something; acting or coming from without.
Control – noun; the situation of being under the regulation, domination, or command of another.
Notice, the word domination has appeared twice. Once when defining the word slave, and secondly, when defining the word control.
The base word of domination is dominate. Dominate is a verb, and the context of its meaning here is to rule over.
To sum it up, when a person is under an external control, they are being controlled by something, or someone, outside of themselves. Meaning that, an external force exhibits power, and influence, over them. Power is one’s ability to make things happen; it is the ability to think, to do, to act, and to respond. But what happens when this ability, to some extent, is taken away, or surrendered to the control of another person? A person under an external control is no longer truly free, but lives and operates under the control and influence of another. They have voluntarily yielded some extent of their well-being to the rule of someone else. In essence, they have yielded the power of how they think and feel about themselves, in a particular area(s), to someone else.
We often hear these expressions: They are making me mad; They ruined my day; They hurt my feelings; They wasted my life; etc. I would ask the question: Who gave them the power to control your emotions? Who gave them the power over your day? Who gave them power over your feelings? Who gave them power over your life?
The simple answer is you. And, if you gave your power away, know that you can also take it back. As adults, we alone are responsible for our own well-being. Period. We are responsible for the choices that we make, and for our actions. For example, if you were to commit a crime against someone, you would be arrested, and would have to appear in court before a judge. It would be totally unacceptable to any judge for you to say, “they” made me do it. The only person that could perhaps, possibly even get away with such an excuse would be someone with a diagnosed mental disorder. As fully functioning adults, the responsibility for the decisions that we make rests solely upon us. This also applies to our emotions and well-being. We alone are responsible; and this responsibility rests solely upon our shoulders. The beauty of this truth, is that this also means that the power belongs to us as well. We not only have the responsibility, but we also have the power to do what is best for us.
Most of us have heard the expression: We cannot always control what happens to us, but we can control how we respond? Of course, like so many things in life, this is often easier said than done. Just know that you absolutely do not have to internalize other people’s bad thoughts and opinions regarding you, nor do you have to tolerate bad behavior from others. You cannot stop them from behaving badly (that’s their choice), but your response to their bad behavior, should not be submission. Nor, should you make their bad behavior about you. If your response to their bad behavior is to internalize it, submit to it, or allow it to cause you to feel bad, then you are yielding the responsibility of your well-being to an external force, and are now externally controlled.
Trust me, I understand that it does not feel good to be mistreated or disliked. However, you must understand that how someone treats you is about them, not about you, unless of course, you have committed a wrong against them. Therefore, you cannot allow their thoughts of you to become your thoughts of you. For instance, you cannot have thoughts that consist of phrases such as: “What’s wrong with me?” “Why don’t people like me?” The sad truth is that unfortunately, many people don’t even like their own selves, and are unhappy in their lives.
We value other people’s opinions of us. We want people to like us, to think well of us, to think highly of us. And while these desires are normal, we must realize that we have no control over whether other people like or love us; that is their choice. We must always be careful to never surrender our power to another person.
As followers of Christ, the only external control that we should submit ourselves to is God. So, essentially, if or when we surrender our power to another, we are exalting them to a position in which they do not belong; that is to say, that we are making them an idol in our lives by giving them the position that belongs to God alone.
We are to love and to respect others, but we should never allow ourselves to be controlled by them. There are situations where we are to submit ourselves to one another; but we do it, not in submission to man, we do it in submission and obedience to God.
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